kinkyeyepatchshit:

Haaaaaaaaah! I’ll getcha ta plant a soothin’ kiss on mine later, but you don’t know Woofers. Like I said, pucker up, buttercup. I can’t wait ta see this, do you got a pie chart ta show how low yer gonna haveta go fer this limbo, mang? An I ain’t nosy, really. Jus’ curious. An not cattily so, get it right. 

My tendencies, aaaayyyy? [Suddenly Badou was up close and personal, draping an arm around Kyouya’s shoulders and looking deeply into his eyes, the window of the soul, smirked and said] I ain’t into incest, yo. Let alone men. But watchin’ people like that,[sniffle], my lil boys growin’ up, hair on his balls an everythin’. Feels like jus’ yesterday you were hidin’ lube beneath yer pillow an waitin’ fer th’Butthole fairy ta cum ta ya, prayin’ fer a sign. Or a vibrator. Well no fear, kiddo, yer time has cum. I guess? 

Nawwww, ‘m always in th’man zone, if yer gonna get anythin’ straight in yer lifetime, get that. [Sighing, he tugged Kyouya’s cute little tie, and delved back into the shithole that was his trailer with a quick] Lemme get some shoes, then we can troll prance off ta all yer hearts’ desire. 

[Surprisingly it only took him a minute or two in order to locate his left shoe and throw some shit around, and he returned none the worse for wear] Pssshh, actin’ like I dunno where th’fuck my lil bro lives, bitch please. [Just to spite him, Badou taps his own mantits twice and raises his eyebrows, all innocent, and before Kyouya could do something else like stab him with the laminated edge of the pie chart, turned on his heel and started off] Let’s blow this popsicle stand. I ain’t worried bout th’kidnappin’ we might haveta do ‘cause I have th’feelin’ you got all that kidnapp-y shit with ya already. Good ta be prepared. 

Oh, trust me, I have my ways - [adjusts glasses] - and besides, I thought you said he would be interested.  Wait a second - does he even know about this?  No matter, I can certainly be very persuasive when I want to be.

[Kyouya arches his eyebrows, trying to keep his face free of the slight disgust he felt just for the smell of smoke permanently attached to Badou, wafting over him like waves of…something extremely unpleasant.  Lung cancer, he guesses.]

Your…little bo— [So Badou calls him “Mama” yet he’s a…? Well, this certainly wasn’t the first thing the ginger had said that confused Kyouya, so he just waits patiently for him to continue on in his special, rambling way.]  Lube under a pillow?  What are you saying?  It’s somewhat hard to believe I’m actually propositioning you for this…activity. Mission, whatever it’s called.  And what, exactly, is “the man zone”?

[As Badou tugs Kyouya’s tie and disappears into his housing unit, Kyouya sighs deeply, squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to remain calm and patient with the redhead.  He waits as he hears the throwing-around of various objects in the trailer and when Badou emerges, he’s staring at him with one eyebrow cocked and clipboard firmly in his left hand.]

You’d be right.  I’m an Ootori - I’m always prepared.

[sets off beside Badou, into the beautiful sunset…or impending misadventures.]

(Source: mommyknowsbest)

kinkyeyepatchshit:

Yeah yeah all I wanna hear outta that deal is th’number of digits on my paycheck or…whatever th’fuck it is we’re gonna get. Or th’amount of ass kissin’ yer gonna haveta do ta get me an’ Woofers ta do this. Pucker up, buttercup~ 

[Kyouya kept going on and on, Badou cracked a yawn, squinted, and was blasted off to a world of color and boring words and not enough figure eights to make a pair of tits or like five, and after what seemed like hours later Badou finally snapped out of it, stumbled just a tad, and blinked rapidly] Holy shit, I think I was in th’twilight zone or somethin’, an that one guy was narratin’ fer shit again….anyhow, uuuhhh Woofers is probably in his trailer now. Wanna go ambush him? It’ll be fun an possibly deadly. I’ll make sure ta use you an yer pretty pie charts an shit as a shield, no need ta worry about me. 

[To make a point, Badou promptly  scratched one nipple and gave his ‘mother’ his best poker face] That better, mom? 

I won’t be kissing any asses, because you know you’re bored out of your mind and want any excuse to be nosy, hm?  Don’t worry, I’ve made notes of your tendencies. [smirk]

[sighs] Aren’t you always in the twilight zone, though?  I’d be afraid to see what’s inside that head of yours all the time.  Anyway, then let’s go find this Wolfram, however we have to do it, ambushing or otherwise.

According to my research he’s in Trailer U-3 with two others.  Here’s a map of the trailers - [brandishes it] - and I’ve circled U-3, along with highlighting the fastest way to get there.  Let’s get going.

And stop being so disgusting. [rolls his eyes]

(Source: mommyknowsbest)

kinkyeyepatchshit:

[After doing….whatever the fuck it is Badou does all day, snoop and get chased and take a nice long dump or something, Badou deserved a nice, long uninterrupted sleep, right?

WRONG

There one Badou Nails lay fast asleep like a snoring log of dubious sounds of origin and smells, sprawled out on his back, one hand up his shirt (which was of course halfway on and backwards) the other dangling over the edge of the bed, spread eagle and dreaming of dancing and talking Cigarettes probably when there was a knock at his door. Two knocks. Three. The long winded and wheezy sounds of Badou’s snores. 

Minutes which seemed like hours or succulent clipboard strokings or account numbers went by, until finally a voice broke the relative silence

startling Badou to the point of falling facefirst out of bed and onto the dusty floor below with a] MOTHERFUCK 

[Now, it would take Badou a few more minutes to regain consciousness, pull himself up, collect his balls, tug some pants on and sway and stumble over to the door, but he eventually made it, threw the door open, and stared at the offending…..Mother.] Ahhhh, mama you’ve seen th’light an realized what a great business man I make? An what’s that? [Badou tipped his head to one side, hand at his ear] Jimmy’s stuck at the Mill Allowance? Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

[He stuffed a hand up his shirt for some casual business profession] Sup? 

[Kyouya rolled his eyes at the shout of “MOTHERFUCK!” but continued waiting, wordlessly, until Badou flung open the door, the slurred speech flowing from his mouth in a flood of what most of Ouran probably thought most ‘commoners’ spoke like, which was altogether something Kyouya was quite used to at this point.]

Well, you certainly don’t have sense in the way you probably should, but…you might make a fine businessman.  We’ll see, won’t we?

[adjusts glasses]

You’ll earn your…’allowance’ with your work.  Now we need to find your friend and we need to go over the basics.  I’ve already got [flips through  sheets of color-coded and extremely detailed notes and charts, all attached to his lovely clipboard] information but we need to hammer this out.

[sighs]

And would you please get your hand out of your shirt?  Or don’t, it’s not unlike you, I suppose. 

(Source: mommyknowsbest)

[Kyouya sat at the edge of his bed, clutched in his hands his usual clipboard - the one Badou had so eloquently told him to “get the fuck over” - and pen.  He looked down at the chart he’d made with numbers and figures scrawled in various boxes, color-coded bars extending through the names of Kyouya, Badou, and Wolfram - about who Kyouya knew virtually nothing, other than he was a friend of Badou’s, and that meant…well, it couldn’t be very flattering.

Trades, huh?  That could work…but even if it didn’t seem possible, Kyouya would make it work.  He was known for that kind of thing - he was the Shadow King, after all, keeping Ouran’s host club out of debt for as long as he had; Badou had to have some sense to come to him for leading the business.

Kyouya’s Angels…it was ridiculous, but a small smile twitched at the corner of Kyouya’s lips.  It was just ridiculous enough to work.  If Tamaki taught him anything, it was to take some calculated chances.

Kyouya stood and, peeling up a sheet to glance at the one beneath the chart, confirmed Badou’s trailer and set off from his own to chat with the ginger.  When he reached the door, he knocked three times and adjusted his glasses before speaking.]

Badou, it’s Kyouya.  No, I’m not here to give you allowance, but I’m here to talk to you about - er, the Angels.

[He said loudly, unsure if the redhead was sleeping - probably, after all he didn’t seem like he had much else to do but whine about Kyouya not giving him an allowance, smoking, and babbling incoherently at others - but waited patiently on him to open the door.]

the-exalted-nabooru:

hey, guys!  sorry I’ve taken so long to get back on this account!  our internet was blown out by a storm Monday and I’m on Starbucks internet, so if I don’t answer a post at me or whatever, please drop it in my ask (or do anyway since there’s no guarantee I’d see it with all the people on my dash anyway)!

here’s my ask - and thank you guys~

I hope to get my internet back Thursday or Friday at the latest, so not too long from now!

here’s Kyouya’s ask!

I know I haven’t been on here much lately, I hope to get my muse back soon! but anyway, feel free to chat at me and get me talking again, otherwise I’ll be on more when I get back my internet!

kinkyeyepatchshit replied to your post: kinkyeyepatchshit replied to your post: I WILL…

Yer welcome~! Actually yer th’big ass business fucker, shouldn’t you have a clipboard or someshit…?

Are you blind?

[brandishes it]

I already have six spreadsheets clipped to it, as well as a small calculator.

keeperofthesecret:

“…Cheshire was just wondering if the ‘mommy’ had some food, Alice is hungry.”

There should be food in your fridge.  Have you even looked?

(via keeperofthesecret-deactivated20)

kinkyeyepatchshit:

mommyknowsbest:

kinkyeyepatchshit replied to your post: ok I lied LOVE IS NOOOIIIIISEEEEE LOVE IS PAIIIINNN LOVE IS SOME ASS BRUISED WHILE WATCHIN’ JUDGE JUDY AGAAA-HAAAA-HAAAANNNNNN~

MOMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY [runs to in slow motion and wow the other message didn’t go through did it]

I’m so very…glad you’re talking to me again.

[nope]

Awwwww I missed yer happy rainbow niggity ass too, mom.

Sup

[I will rape everything]

…that’s one way to put it, I guess. [thinks—this man is strange.]

Not too much, just…researching, as usual.

keeperofthesecret:

“…”

…is there a problem?

(via keeperofthesecret-deactivated20)

kinkyeyepatchshit replied to your post: I WILL GIVE THIS FUCKIN’ MESSAGE THING A DIRTY SANCHEZ

I guess thats better’n havin’ me at my cock, that’s incest. ‘m sure yer dick is one ta remember, mom, don’t fret. Also well…whenever yer free. Woofer’s usually cums outta his batcave when I drag him so [shrug]

Yes, I believe Wolfram has followed me, so I suppose I’ll get to meet him soon.

And…uh, thanks.  I think.